4/17/21: The Drive

For the sake of continuity, I am writing this as if it happened today, though I am a day late.

Today I packed everything I own and moved across Washington again, from Spokane to Graham. This followed a conversation with my significant other of a little over a year which ended in a mutual agreement that we were not right for each other. The negative worldview I hold thanks to years of pretending like I don’t care about anything combined with an unnaturally inflated ego I think it appropriate to attribute to being praised from a young age for menial things (in short as stated above I am a narcissistic nihilist) means that I am not great at being a member of any interpersonal relationship. On this drive, again following this conversation, I decided I wanted to do something about this worldview. As it stands, my only dream is to live alone with a stack of books far away from anything resembling civilization. Not so fulfill some pipe dream of living off the land, nor a self-righteous need to live in a way that does not contribute to a wasteful carbon-emitting society, but because I dislike the presence of others and I do not want to inflict myself on the world. Anyway, while driving I saw a sunset not unlike many sunsets seen by many people in many places. The land was flat save some distant blue mountains and a military-like row of wind turbines. The sun was nearly below the horizon, and it cast a dull orange light across the vast desert that separates eastern Washington from the west. In lack of clouds and lack of detail provided to me by my recently degenerating eyesight, this sunset seemed very modern. An azure dusk sky rose from behind me until becoming the beginning of a gradient that ended in a dull flame. Recently design has been pushing toward sharp lines and solid colors, a simplicity that can be seen with a quick search on the progression of the Mozilla Firefox logo, for example. I’ll save you another sappy song written about relational woes or undertows by simply stating that this may have been the first sunset I actually looked at as something other than a logical string of steps followed by a universal calculator.

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