04/19/21: Driving Range

Today is my brother’s birthday, and we woke up with grand desires to get drunk and go golfing. We started the day with some videogames, and then took off for Bob’s Burgers (no affiliation). I ordered a burger with onion rings because I convinced myself that onions are healthy and he got a bacon burger. The waitress was nice. She was in her late-20’s and kept making jokes about how old she was. I thought it would be funny to leave a note on the receipt, so I wrote “call me ❤ 867-5309.” Figured if she didn’t get the joke, she was not as old as she said she was, and if she did she might get a kick out of it. After a few drinks, we went to Fred Meyer for some light groceries. Following this, we both admitted that we didn’t want to go golfing and went home to play more videogames. Last year I went all out for his birthday, so this year I figured it would be appropriate to do nothing! We just hung out and played games. I haven’t planned my death today, though I must admit it’s been on my mind a lot recently. Being 22 and unaccomplished mixed with a healthy dose of depression and very little motivation/drive to do anything or passion ABOUT anything means I don’t have a lot of drive to accomplish great things. I’d lie and tell you that I’ve experienced ego death, but that’s not helping anyone. I think I don’t believe in myself, and maybe that’s fine. I feel like I am inflicting myself on others whenever I am in with them, and I’ve been told that my presence brings about those feelings. For now it’s fine and I’ll keep trudging, but I don’t know if I can do this forever.

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