04/21/21: A Drive and a Talk

Today was my first day working for FedEx ground. My brother trained me for the job. It’s simple enough: load a van full of packages logically, and deliver them logically. Most of the job is done for you: you simple scan a package, throw it out your window basically, and then move on. The worst thing about this job I think will be the traffic getting there and getting back home. Right now, it takes about an hour both ways. Soon him and I will get an apartment in Tacoma or somewhere adjacent and the commute will get better. I was lost on thought for most of the day while I was being trained, but I think I picked up everything needed anyway. Gig harbor is pretty: on his route, there are a few cherry blossom trees and some other trees I do not know the name of that are blooming right now. A few times we drove through a green tunnel and were snowed on by the fallen brethren of the trees above. It makes for a pretty sight but its a little morbid when not looking past today. Tomorrow and the next day and the coming years will prove this process necessary, but right now, it just hurts.

After work I met up with my ex for the last time. We broke up not too long ago, and this conversation was to confirm this I think. I didn’t want to hurt her more than I needed to to make a point, but it was hard nonetheless. She started off by giving me some rocks she bought recently: they are for things like healing, creativity, and mind-expanding. I (as politely as I could, looking back I was probably veryfuckingrude) explained that I don’t believe in these properties, but I appreciate the gift as the rocks were polished and pretty. I have trouble believing in anything outside of myself for one reason or another. Whatever the case, I don’t want to be this way. I have faith in nothing and this path leads to a solemn and lonely existence. After the rocks I said something like “we should probably never be together again.” No one can see the future, but I felt like I had to do this because as someone with bad habit of breaking hearts I’ve found it best (or maybe easiest) to completely burn bridges. She suggested a while ago that she wanted to remain friends, but today she was cold. Not serial killer cold, more a shielding cold. Before her last goodbye, she said something like “you’re probably never going to talk to me again,” and I wanted her to be wrong: I have this grand idea that I can remain friends with everyone I’ve dated because though none of the relationships have worked out, I still have a piece of love for all of them. In reality she was right. I’m bad enough at having friends, let alone being friends with people I’ve dated. Generally people either bore or disappoint me. I think I can attribute this to the amount of time I’ve spent picking myself apart. I apply this same judgement to most others, and by the time they get through my mind’s gauntlet, only shreds of clothing remain. This sucks for a number of reasons and I know it’s something I need to work on, but I’m not sure how. Everyone says “go see a therapist,” but I don’t know if that would help my general lack of understanding others’ thoughts and feelings. I see two bridges ahead of my: one that goes optimistically up into self love and the other falls down and regresses to full blown sociopathy. As soon as I figure out if I really want to change, I’ll get back to you.

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