04/25/21: Scatter Brain

Today was a great day. Most of my days are spent at work right now because I need the money and my job is chaos. Today was 13 hours of driving in circles and I loved about 10 hours of it. Around the eight hour mark I started to get bored but I forced myself to keep a positive attitude because I really don’t want to hate my job.It was sunny and I got to meet lots of people. Mostly older men, but they were all nice. A man named Ben saw that I was new and let me know where to put the boxes when I deliver to him (in a tote!) I nearly took one of my mirrors off on a bush but that puppy popped right back in to place.

I met a jogger named Catherine who said she really looks forward to seeing me deliver her packages again. Eric says I need to “find a MILF to fuck,” which sounds really gross when you say it out loud. I do kind of want to fuck a mom though. I want someone to make me egg sandwiches and play the big spoon.

On the ferry back, I went outside to the deck where you can catch a fat breeze and lose your hat and saw a rainbow on the other side of the bay-thing. I thought about taking a picture because you love pictures, but I don’t. I think this may be because I’ve never been one to reminisce, but I often find myself wishing I took more pictures when I was a young teen. Mostly to make fun of myself because I’ve changed a bit in appearance since then.

I enjoyed listening to this playlist for the past two days because I could tell with near-certainty who added each song.

It surprised me to hear that you listen to Billie Eilish. I’m not used to hearing songs from you that have played on the radio, and it makes me feel better about my own music. Half of the songs in my Spotify have the word pop somewhere in the genre name and I think that needs a bandaid.

I’m switching voices here, there should be some consistency, but since you’re the only one that reads this beside me it seems like I shouldn’t keep calling you an “old friend,” both because you’re more than that and its repetitive.

Just wait until you hear about the private section where I write things that I don’t want ANYONE to read. AHAHAHAAAAA that’s either infuriating for you or you don’t care as much as you let on

Melancholy aside I’m so happy to have you back in my life. You sent me a picture today. Just of your face. I got giddy and excited about it but I have to be /cool/ so I just let it slide. I miss seeing your face all the time

Here’s a small excerpt from aforementioned super private secret invisible blog

“I’m twenty two years old and I still want to fuck all the time. I’ve seriously thought about getting my balls chopped out or whatever they do in a vasectomy in hopes that it’d make me less horny. Maybe I’ll go through with it eventually, I just keep hoping that is subsides and these thoughts are replaced with something more productive. Combating this is simple enough, I just have to not fuck everything that walks. It’s easy enough, as fucking takes less effort than not fucking, but still I want to not want to fuck.”

Other topics include pondering hypotheticals like what it would take to get me to hurt another person, and am I really a cool cat or do the people around me gas me up because they see that I need it

I don’t want to want affirmation from others. You told me you learned how to fly while I was away, and I want this for myself too. I’ve been able to recognize patterns in my thoughts and behaviors, but I’m not quite sure how to turn these patterns around, or rearrange them I guess. Time will tell

Am I supposed to pronounce it “melon-kolly” or “melawn-cally?”

I like to pronounce contemplative in the English way because it doesn’t sound unnatural and I think it’s more sophisticated

I feel like I’m playing catch up. I want to be an interesting person but I’ve wasted so much time that I feel this constant urge to read books and listen to good music in hopes that you and others think I’m cool

I’m really high right now. Every time I get high I take time out of it to fear falling down again. There’s been a pattern forming over the past years where I am on top of the world for a few days or a week or a month and then for the same amount of time I’m nihilistic and bitter and depressed and all sadboy fuck. Not sure if I need to strike a balance or eliminate the latter

If you’ve made it this far, immediately text me the word “pineapple.” Also, thank you. I don’t know what I did or do to deserve your attention, as it is a valuable thing. I will try harder at keeping you in my life that I ever have at anything because you’re the one person

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