05/03/21: Fuck

I got a little pissed today. I found myself repeating hypothetical conversations with my manager in my head where I tell him off, knowing full well I’d never do it. I’ll spare me the details because it doesn’t really matter, but it took me a while to cool down. I didn’t yell or seem visibly frustrated I think, but I found that my heart was pounding and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Eventually I realized it was all silly and took some deep breaths, but it took me an hour to get there. By the time I got home, I was in a great mood and all was well. All is well.

I want a big booty girl so big booty-d that her big booty could fit all the other big booties in it. I want to pitch a tent in the big booty and live in it. I want to eat three meals a day and raise some kids in that booty. I want to practice arts and crafts, obtain a degree, invest my savings and lose it all, become homeless and start sucking dick for money all in the big booty. This is all a joke, but it seems to be what everyone wants.

Today today today tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow it’s all a bit of a blur. Consistency and repetition is good for us but it’s also so boring. I selfishly want you to come back from your trip with friends so I can get off work and we can go adventure somewhere. I want to find another park or a bar downtown or a little hole to nuzzle in and stay up later than I should. I want to look into your eyes and just stare for a while, as if we have some psychic connection and we can have whole conversations this way. I want you to play guitar so I can be in awe of your talent. I want to be able to sing in front of somebody who actually enjoys it, and I want to hear you sing again. I want to play that little box drum while you cover a modest mouse song and I tap along. I want to show you my drawings and explain how they’re boring only to be assured that they’re not. I want you to tell me why you’re upset and I want to cheer you up by doing something goofy like getting on my knees and praying our salvation to the only true god Jared.

Mostly I want a drink. I don’t want to get drunk and I don’t like drinking, but I heavily relate with the dad-expression “I need a drink.”

This “I want” spiel comes about because I always tell myself to not want for things, because when I want something that I can’t have I live in disappointment, but I also know that it is good to have goals and goals are a positive motivator. I am mostly motivated by negative things (do your chores or you’re a piece of shit, go to work or you’re a piece of shit, call your dad or you’re a piece of shit) and I’d like that to change. One thing at a time.

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