05/25/21: The New Sexy

Why are drugs such a good metaphor? Why do I feel happiness or even content are comparable to a high from a drug? Again with the wood-on-the-fire analogy.

I long for renewable energy. This is selfish, of course, as the renewable energy I seek isn’t some new lithium ion battery or a dozen windmills, it’s all internal. Is it self love? If you love yourself, you stay the same. I often feel like my self loathing is the only reason I improve as a person (where my vision of improving is reading more books and practicing art). I asked an elder what his idea of success was recently, and he told me that he feels successful because his kids mostly like him and they’re not dead. The bar here seems low, but I was surprised that financial stability wasn’t mentioned.

Snow falls

Autumn leaves

falling is often associated with negativity

but the season feels like a new beginning

we fall in love but we don’t jump out of it

or fly or rise or float

it’s just more falling

we fall in and fall out

sometimes if you’re punk rock we even fall in reverse

someone pull the string that dangles from the ceiling

flip the switch cut the cord

draw silence lift the veil for just one second

“awkward silence” is an American concept

silence isn’t awkward, we’re all just in love with the sound of our own voices

but not in recordings

because there we’re forced to confront ourselves

and it seems like most of us are incapable of self-reflection

If I have to replay the sitcom dialogue of my every day one more time before I am granted sleep I swear ill kill a bug

that was a bluff I can’t do it

I feel guilt over decisions I make consciously while simultaneously being unintentionally clumsy with others’ feelings

I just want to be happy, and I chase the things that make me happy. That doesn’t make me a bad person I think, but it does increase the potential for collateral damage

this was all a joke bahaha I’m incapable of actual reflection I’m just a robot doing his best interpretation

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