05/30/21: I’m all twisted up

up down up down up down up down

how high can I go

can I keep going until I lose the ground

until I forget which direction is up

until words lose their meanings

like when you say a name over and over and it starts to sound gibberish

down down down

how low can you go!

limbo limbo limbo

is it bedrock like minecraft

is the bottom where you die

or where the seed finds the right nutrients

I missed the bus I missed the flight

a cobbler who dreams about forgetting his shoes at home

a mechanic who for some reason doesn’t own a crescent wrench

a bumblebee with no stinger a boxer who hears the ringer a vagabond that lingers a gunslinger a left-winger a folk singer bring her singer clinger jerry springer ah

three ducks and a goose which one am I

duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck GOOSE

I’d like to think maybe I’m the swan

but I’m so far behind

I ran one way for years and now that I’m moving the other direction I see the ripped calves and water backpacks of the contestants ahead of me

do I stand a chance

what do I have that they don’t have

I’m like a baby, I can’t even make spaghetti

or drive a car or sing a song or walk on my own two feet

my current state of mind influences my decisions too much

it makes me careless

someone tell me what I want so I don’t have to figure it out myself

someone break my heart so I’ll know what its like

to be the cat and not the dog

to be the mouse and not the cat

to be the food and not the mouth

I think about killing myself every time I drive over a bridge

today I said to myself “I have to text everyone who’s ever loved me ‘it wasn’t you’ before I do it to make sure no one feels guilty”

“I know you want to leave but friend please don’t take your life away from me”

beepboop fuck fuck fuck

you’re a double edged sword

a knife in my chest that I’ve grown to accept

to love

god forbid someone pulls it out

to all those I’ve wronged

I still love you and I didn’t mean it

I know intention only counts for so much

and I know that I’m selfish and I know I don’t know what I want

but please don’t spread hate on my account

SCATTER

scatter

flop

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