06/04/21: Rim Road

Why is everything made of plastic!

Recently I haven’t been looking for beauty. I’ve been distracted by fun but my thoughts still run downhill.

Maybe today’s beauty can be myself

I worked really hard today. I always work hard at my job because I want my bosses to like me. I always run every stop, and I sweat like a motherfucker all day. This has helped me with cardio, but cigarettes are negating the effects. I like it when I can see veins popping out of my legs, it makes me feel like I’m doing good at my job. Some days when I run if feels like my legs are breaking. Not sore muscles, like in the bones. My boss Kim gave me some recognition today. She said she ran my route and did 10 stops per hour, when I normally do 18 stops per hour.

Whoops I’m sad again. I want to die so bad! I want to know! Even if it’s nothing, I’m impatient and I want to know.

Too bad my life no longer belongs to me. I don’t think it ever has. Maybe I’m a slave to capitalism, maybe I’m a slave to my loved ones.

I’ve cried so many times over an idea. Some blown-out-of-proportion effigy that I created because really, I never knew her. I never knew what she liked, her favorite foods, her favorite color, her smell or her laugh. Even her voice. What I did know is all gone now, memories accessed too many times and distorted to nothing. If I knew I only had so many times, I would have saved them. I want to know what made your eyes glow, mom. Everyone has something. Power tools and art supplies make my eyes glow. So does music. What was yours? I’ve got some stories from dad, but they’re not much. Your mom is still too hurt to talk much about you, but I hope one day before it’s too late I can learn everything about you from her.

did I hear you right

did you say I’m in first place

my heart swells

until I remember this is not a race

a gust of wind can knock me over

a paper kite’s tailspin

the feeling of a semi truck wooshing by as you pace the freeway trying to remember how to change a tire

most days I cant remember if I dipped my feet in concrete

or if it’s always been there

I choose to believe someone did it while I wasn’t looking

shifting blame into fourth gear but I’m only going 20

that window I punched out years ago in the Oregon woods

still whistles as I drive

the duct tape is sundried, fall leaves under my feet

and the cardboard! Don’t get me started on the cardboard

it promised a quick fix and sure it lasted a while

but now my fucking nose has a hole in it and I have trouble taking deep breaths

Rim Road whispers sweet nothings about the perils of the modern day

I think we have too much time on our hands

let me swing a hammer and eat from the land

let me light fires and swing a torch

running from the things that are bigger than me

killing the smaller

gnawing on the bone

oh but it’s too late for that

I drank the wine I ate the apple I fucking have a smartphone

I just sat for five minutes trying to find the punchline so I could end this

if I call it a faerie tale then I don’t need one

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