06/24/21: Pitter Patter whoops I love you

I have been writing less and less frequently. It sort of feels like I’m in the sputter phase at the end of a good piss. I have been creating frequently. Drawing or patching nearly every day. I feel this sort of internal creation quota, and I feel depressed if I don’t meet it. Today I finished a patch and then had no in-progress arts, so I laid in bed nearly all day, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. At least I ate! I started a drawing near the end of the day and now I am writing this.

I am going to start meditating on my breath again. It’s the most simple meditation and though I don’t have any goals or anything I want out of it, everyone tells me meditation is good so maybe I’ll find something there.

Serenity thinks I’ve stolen her dream soul. Maybe I have. She’s been in most all of my dreams recently and she says she hasn’t been dreaming at all recently. I think tonight I’ll try not dreaming and give her a chance to do so.

I’m moving in with her soon, and though I am a little scared of burning the candle at both ends, I am mostly excited for the future. I have fallen in love with her again and I have fallen in love with Tacoma for the first time. I look forward to going all the places and seeing all the things and doing it with her by my side.

She is everything I want. She is extraverted and fun and beautiful and graceful and silly and doesn’t take things too seriously. She loves with a will stronger than any highwayman, she loves with the brightness of the sun and the force of a thousand thunderclaps. She loves so much it scares me, but I want some of that. She is talented and driven and is actively striving to make the world a better place. When I meet new people, I look for her in them because in my eyes she is perfection. With her in my life the days are warmer, the sun is brighter, the world is nicer, and in her presence it is very easy to forget my worries and get lost.

She is the only person I’ve been with that I just want to brag to everyone about.

What are we?

Polyamory has me confused

I kept telling myself that I needed to put up barriers to protect myself

but I knocked them all down

what’s left is love

and creeping jealousy

I almost never feel it

and when I do it’s fleeting

but when I don’t see you for too long I wonder

if someone else is there filling in for me

I did tinder for about five minutes

told myself “I have to do this to avoid jealousy”

“if she’s going to go loving other people, I should too”

“I don’t want to be a charm on her bracelet, so I’ll fashion my own bracelet”

got like 50 matches

all sorts of cool people

I didn’t see you in them

so now they’re names and faces on an app that’s no longer on my phone

in a day distant memories in a week gone forever

she tells me she won’t do monogamy until she’s married

I’m definitely not ready for that

but she’d be my first 50 choices

51 would be marrying myself for tax reasons

52-100 would be various celebrities for the money maybe

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