I am 22 years old and for as long as I can remember, I have held a negative opinion or a complete disregard for nearly everything. I conflicted on even my own interests: I like to play videogames but I recognize that in the “real world” they are somewhat of a waste of time. I enjoy drawing, but as with any artist I hate nearly everything I create. I read books that offer practical metaphors that I will likely not reference when making decisions (the one notable exception is Dostoyevsky’s “Crime and Punishment” which has given me a thorough aversity to the idea of taking a life (which you’d think would have already existed). As a more practical way of showing this deep seated nihilism, I will offer an exchange I recently had with some family. Not long ago I had sushi with my grandmother on my late mother’s side and a cousin who I had not seen in 15 years. This was pleasant enough, but the only things I walked away with are the facts that my cousin has 2 DUI’s and cannot leave the state of Washington, and my grandmother recently had surgery and her health is in decline. I see corruption in charity, pyramid schemes among the Girl Scouts of America, and malice in those with seemingly innocent eyes. This is all to say that for the most part, I look down at my feet as I walk and I have a hard time believing that there is any real good in the world. I’m sure this is false, and I want to see that good. The point of this blog is to motivate myself to see the beauty in the world because I don’t want to die alone, but in my current state I am a nihilist narcissist who’s favorite pass-time is a good long self loathing session followed by a smoke and a pancake.